work in progress

Our world of wealth and prosperity

Religions with alien deities

No spirit left in our arteries

Fat bellies from food made in factories

And terror dances across our TVs

I dream of wild horses on stampede

Buffalo, with only wind in the lead

Bathing amongst the wind-tickled reeds

The song of the West, my only creed

Riding bareback with bare feet

Oh, heart. Why must you be so treacherous?

I'm not the kind of girl that NEEDS a man around. I can pretty much take care of myself, ya know? It's so unfair. I'm unfair, life is unfair, we're all so unfair to each other. I'm not going to pretend like I still don't have doubts... because there are so many. I've been through sheer hell and back with men. I don't know any happy couples that I can look at and say, "I think both members of that pair seem genuinely, deeply satisfied." I don't have any false pretenses about how I think that to be successful that you have to be a half of a whole, a part of a pair... nothing. I am genuinely fine being single. I'm generally so opposed to coupledom that I don't even like hanging out with other couples. I find them annoying, slightly cut off, always being at least a tiny bit fake to appease the standard of the other.

That being said, this kid, he's got me. I never grow tired of him. I'm not even worried that I will grow tired of him. He's totally fine, just how he is. I'm just scared of me... me screwing it up... my enormous lack of emotional fortitude to hold out for the long haul.

I'm falling asleep in my chair as I'm typing this so I'm going to have to finish it tomorrow. But I wanted to start it before I put it off again. I swear to the almighty powers that I am going to sort this out, in as real and honest a way as I possibly can. Tomorrow.

Did I break his heart on purpose? No, of course not. Did I break my own heart on purpose? I hope not, but it's probably true. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Winging it, essentially. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know I miss him. I know we would have a lot of work to do to figure it all out. ENORMOUS sacrifices to be made on both of our parts. I know I am uncertain of everything in this world, first and foremost, myself. Still, the missing... the hurting. Clear inability to stay away from each other for any real extended period of time.

It's not like I haven't tried to get "out there". I dated Ryan, as much of a disaster as that was. I had a 2nd round of the fling with Shane. Nate and I hung out for a long time. I put my best foot forward to open up to Geoff, and that didn't even get off the ground. I've had others interested, but the interest wasn't even mildly returned. (i.e. Patrick, now.) Could I meet someone that holds my interest the way that Jon does? I really don't think that's likely anymore.

When it comes down to it, I want to be left alone. I really don't like talking that much. I'm tired. Tired in a very deep, spiritual way. My soul is tired. I'm tired of being let down, so much to the point where it becomes not worth the risk... EVER. "Sometimes love just ain't enough"? Honey, love is RARELY enough. I've been taking care of myself since I was a toddler, and I always end up taking care of everyone else, too.

I don't have to take care of Jon. Jon doesn't let me down. He makes mistakes, but he doesn't lie. He doesn't make excuses, and he knows when to apologize. When he says, "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen," I actually believe him. You can see it in his eyes. I miss that look. I miss worrying about someone else, even though I don't have to worry about them. I just wanted to.

I have no idea how to make it work, but I want it back.

People make me sick.

Bailout package laid out

This is one of those issues where I fall on the side of the Republicans. I actually like Obama's bill for a lot of reasons. I think the ideas behind it are with the best intentions, and actually would bring about long term change. By that I mean, VERY long term change. But, too long. I think the energy and education related issues are strong, and probably popular because they speak to some immediate needs of citizens. However, as usual with the Democratic party, the idea is right, the execution is wrong.

The exciting part of all of this is that Republicans feel that their voice is at least being considered. That has to be somewhat validating when you are the underdog. Maybe some type of compromise will happen on some level before it goes to the voting floor.

Overwhelmage

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be going to a challenging school. I adore my ridiculously overqualified professors who are teaching because retirement is boring and they are that passionate about their field. It's all exactly what I wanted. The failure is me. No, I'm not calling myself as a whole a failure. I am just facing time management tasks like I have never before. It just sort of dawned on me today, when I was talking to Matt H, that on top of my usual day to day classwork, I have projects and papers due in a few weeks in every class. I know this is what every college kid experiences, I'm not trying to claim my experience as unique. I'm not quite sure, however, that doing school on top of the amount of responsibility that I have is ordinary.

I know it's more than possible. We've all heard the stories of how people put themselves through education under the most extreme of circumstances. If they can do it, I can do it. Brown told me today that he was afraid of me, just by the way I looked at him. Props for intuition. I do hate you, dude.

On a lighter note, I fuckin' adore Margot and Holly. Matt and Roy are also total ballers. Nice to be making new friends, nice to have an opportunity to get closer with old friends. Had lunch with Sammantha and Zach today, and Tian yesterday. TIAN AND I HAD LUNCH. Whoddathunk that would have ever happened again? I haven't seen Jamie once but that should be remedied soon.

I need to start my term paper for history, and I can't decide on a topic. There's too many damn good ones. Henneke is my new rock star. He also liked my Lincoln vs. Obama paper, so score. I care more that Henneke liked it than Brown, which is sad because Henneke isn't grading it. I just want his approval for my whole life.

"I used to hate the fool in me, but only in the morning. Now, I tolerate him all day long." - Mike Cooley