Oh, heart. Why must you be so treacherous?

I'm not the kind of girl that NEEDS a man around. I can pretty much take care of myself, ya know? It's so unfair. I'm unfair, life is unfair, we're all so unfair to each other. I'm not going to pretend like I still don't have doubts... because there are so many. I've been through sheer hell and back with men. I don't know any happy couples that I can look at and say, "I think both members of that pair seem genuinely, deeply satisfied." I don't have any false pretenses about how I think that to be successful that you have to be a half of a whole, a part of a pair... nothing. I am genuinely fine being single. I'm generally so opposed to coupledom that I don't even like hanging out with other couples. I find them annoying, slightly cut off, always being at least a tiny bit fake to appease the standard of the other.

That being said, this kid, he's got me. I never grow tired of him. I'm not even worried that I will grow tired of him. He's totally fine, just how he is. I'm just scared of me... me screwing it up... my enormous lack of emotional fortitude to hold out for the long haul.

I'm falling asleep in my chair as I'm typing this so I'm going to have to finish it tomorrow. But I wanted to start it before I put it off again. I swear to the almighty powers that I am going to sort this out, in as real and honest a way as I possibly can. Tomorrow.

Did I break his heart on purpose? No, of course not. Did I break my own heart on purpose? I hope not, but it's probably true. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Winging it, essentially. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know I miss him. I know we would have a lot of work to do to figure it all out. ENORMOUS sacrifices to be made on both of our parts. I know I am uncertain of everything in this world, first and foremost, myself. Still, the missing... the hurting. Clear inability to stay away from each other for any real extended period of time.

It's not like I haven't tried to get "out there". I dated Ryan, as much of a disaster as that was. I had a 2nd round of the fling with Shane. Nate and I hung out for a long time. I put my best foot forward to open up to Geoff, and that didn't even get off the ground. I've had others interested, but the interest wasn't even mildly returned. (i.e. Patrick, now.) Could I meet someone that holds my interest the way that Jon does? I really don't think that's likely anymore.

When it comes down to it, I want to be left alone. I really don't like talking that much. I'm tired. Tired in a very deep, spiritual way. My soul is tired. I'm tired of being let down, so much to the point where it becomes not worth the risk... EVER. "Sometimes love just ain't enough"? Honey, love is RARELY enough. I've been taking care of myself since I was a toddler, and I always end up taking care of everyone else, too.

I don't have to take care of Jon. Jon doesn't let me down. He makes mistakes, but he doesn't lie. He doesn't make excuses, and he knows when to apologize. When he says, "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen," I actually believe him. You can see it in his eyes. I miss that look. I miss worrying about someone else, even though I don't have to worry about them. I just wanted to.

I have no idea how to make it work, but I want it back.