Did I break his heart on purpose? No, of course not. Did I break my own heart on purpose? I hope not, but it's probably true. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Winging it, essentially. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know I miss him. I know we would have a lot of work to do to figure it all out. ENORMOUS sacrifices to be made on both of our parts. I know I am uncertain of everything in this world, first and foremost, myself. Still, the missing... the hurting. Clear inability to stay away from each other for any real extended period of time.

It's not like I haven't tried to get "out there". I dated Ryan, as much of a disaster as that was. I had a 2nd round of the fling with Shane. Nate and I hung out for a long time. I put my best foot forward to open up to Geoff, and that didn't even get off the ground. I've had others interested, but the interest wasn't even mildly returned. (i.e. Patrick, now.) Could I meet someone that holds my interest the way that Jon does? I really don't think that's likely anymore.

When it comes down to it, I want to be left alone. I really don't like talking that much. I'm tired. Tired in a very deep, spiritual way. My soul is tired. I'm tired of being let down, so much to the point where it becomes not worth the risk... EVER. "Sometimes love just ain't enough"? Honey, love is RARELY enough. I've been taking care of myself since I was a toddler, and I always end up taking care of everyone else, too.

I don't have to take care of Jon. Jon doesn't let me down. He makes mistakes, but he doesn't lie. He doesn't make excuses, and he knows when to apologize. When he says, "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen," I actually believe him. You can see it in his eyes. I miss that look. I miss worrying about someone else, even though I don't have to worry about them. I just wanted to.

I have no idea how to make it work, but I want it back.